I knew this moment would come....

UPDATE: 6/21 9:55pm See below

...and I knew I'd feel this way. I think I'm going to be SICK!!!

A few posts ago, I mentioned that our family would be going through some changes in the upcoming days, weeks, months, etc. Well, we're in the midst of it now. I've spoken to a few of you, my friends, about this recently. But I haven't really "dumped" it yet...so here goes.

Before I begin, let me tell you, this will be a long post. So if you're already losing interest, this might be a good time to stop reading.

I have thought long and hard about, exactly how much detail I'd go into when I write this post. I've wondered if I'd cry as I wrote it...or if this would simply be my therapy and my way of getting it off my chest. Either way, I don't think that by telling you all of this, that I'm going to feel better about ANY of it. But I know me...and if I keep this inside me, I'll explode.

On March 27, 1995, I received a phone call from my mother. She told me that my sister was, not only pregnant, but in labor. Two days later, on the 29th of March, my nephew, Markell was born. A lot of "family issues" insued over the next few days after Markell's birth. And all my husband and I knew was, we needed to "save" this little boy. Not from my mother and not from my sister. But from the system. He was about to be put up for adoption.

So the Sunday after he was born, me and my oldest daughter drove to Mobile, Al to see how we could assist. And to simply be there for my sister. Upon our arrival, we found that we still had 6 weeks before he'd be gone for good. So the next day, my sister and I went to pick him up from foster care. 3 days later, I was headed back to Georgia with a 7 day old baby boy. My nephew.

Fast forwarding a bit, due to my sister being a minor at the time, she signed over all parental rights of Markell to me and my husband and indefinitely made us his legal guardians. Now, he'd still be in the family and would not have to be in the "system" and wait to be adopted by, God knows who.

In taking on this legal guardianship, we were able to raise this little boy as we saw fit. And in doing so, we NEVER made him think that we were replacing his mother. He even called us, "Uncle & Auntie"...so cute :-). But over time, as he got older, on his own, he began calling us mom and dad. And I'm sure that was to give himself some sort of normalcy. I was honored that he thought of me as his mom. However, it did make visits from my sister a little awkward at times. But still, Markell thought of me and my husband as the mother and father figures in his life. What a promotion that was for me...from auntie to "mom".

Now I come to the difficult part. We knew that it was inevitable that Markell would want and need to know why he was living with his aunt & uncle as opposed to his mother. We never held anything back from him and always answered his questions...in ways that he could understand. As time went on, those questions became a little more frequent and you could see his little mind just going. Eventually, Markell started having some difficulties in school with regards to his behavior and in turn being a little rebellious at home. Over the past year or so, it's been almost a part of life. But we dealt with it and moved on...just as parents do.

Lately, again over the past year or so, Markell has been wanting to spend more time with his mother. When they're together, they do fun things and life is a little more, shall we say, lenient when he's with her. So I can't fault the boy for wanting to spend more time with her. But his behavior was getting a bit more troublesome. Being that he's only 12 years old, he feels that being in trouble isn't fun. So he has informed us that he wants to go live with his mother.

This brings me to today...right now...this very moment in time. I am SICK about this! We have loved Markell and raised him as our own for over 12 years. Again, I don't fault him for wanting to be with his mother...I don't know how that desire feels, I've always had my mother with me. But at the same time, I feel betrayed. Actually, I feel SO many things right now and it brings me to tears. I love Markell more than he'll ever know or understand. I love him as my son. My husband feels the very same way. Even though we have been experiencing some trying times with him lately, I wouldn't trade the last 12 years with him for anything in the world. I'd do NOTHING different.

I'm having a VERY hard time going from aunt to "mom" back to aunt again. I don't want him to be angry with us for doing what's right for him. We have ALWAYS had his best interest at heart...and we'll continue to. But I'd be lying if I said I wasn't upset, hurt, sad and angry about what's forthcoming. Because I do feel ALL of those things, strongly. I cry about this daily because I know MY days with him, living under my roof and in my care, are numbered.

My sister called today and wants to discuss the "final phase" of "the move". I haven't called her back yet as I'm trying to just make this go away. I knew this moment would come...and I thought I'd be ready. But I'm not.

Don't get me wrong, it's not that I think my sister won't take good care of him. But like I said, we've had him for 12 years and he's been an amazingly huge part of our lives. When Markell came along, my oldest daughter was 9 years old and had always been the only child. And we didn't think we could love another child the way we loved her. But Markell showed us that loving more than one child was very possible and not to mention, very rewarding. And of course, having Jayla just proved it even more.

These past few weeks have been very difficult. I know my husband is having a hard time with this as well. As we discuss this quite often. But for some reason, it's really hitting me hard. I can't imagine my day to day life without Markell in it...even through this rebellious stage he's in.

Like the old saying goes, change is inevitiable. But that doesn't mean I have to like it. And for the record, I don't...not a BIT! I'm sure Markell is beyond excited to be going to live with his mother. And I truly hope it's what he dreams it will be. I, by no means, am the perfect mother...especially for him. But I don't want to have to stop trying. I don't remember HOW to be just his aunt. However, I guess I'd better get on task...because it's coming...rather I'm ready or not. And I'm definitely not ready for it to be over the next few weeks. The way it's looking, Markell will be leaving before the first of next month. Update: Here it is, 9:55pm and I got word about 30 minutes ago that Markell will leaving tomorrow, 6/22 around 1pm.

Markell, I love you...always have, always will. Please don't ever forget that! We ALL love you and we'll miss you terribly. Be a good boy...or should I say, young man. And continue to make us proud...but even more so, make YOURSELF proud. Remember to always keep God first in your life and look to HIM when things aren't going quite as you'd like. There will be disappointing times in your life and things won't always go your way. But as we've been trying to teach you, that's a part of life. Be respectful of others, especially women and continue to be polite. Care about others feelings and care about yourself...you're the only you we have! You have had the best example of what a man, husband and provider should be. Please don't ever forget what "Uncle Dad" has done for you and how he's lived before you. Live by his example, go to God for your guidance and you'll do fine.

Love you always, Aunt "Mom"