Before I go any further with this entry, allow me to inform you that this is the last post for this "Gifts from God series. I hope you've enjoyed reading it.
NOW....DEEP breath in.... exhale!
NOW....DEEP breath in.... exhale!
Isn't it a shame that I have to do that before I write about myself? Well, I'll admit it, I can be a mess at times. But I'm actually ok with that part of ME....now. I won't bore you with the gorey details of who I USE to be. But I will say that I've had my share of "issues". Backing up a bit, I've always had problems with my self esteem and what I call my self worth. I wasn't a shy person but I did kinda keep to myself. But at the same time, I'd much rather have people around me and approving of me. I've always had problems with my weight and never thought that people were very accepting of me because of my size. So the friends I was successful in making were very dear to me. Also, when I was in high school, I always felt that I HAD to have a boyfriend. Again, it made me feel accepted. Problem was, I settled alot. The guys that I WANTED to like me never did, so I simply settled for "who would take me", so to speak. No wonder my mom called them all "creeps" :-). That's funny to me now. Anyway, I mentioned in my very first entry of this series, that I had a daughter at the age of 18. I realized then and now that that wasn't the right thing to do. However, I thank God for her everyday. I don't think anyone is here by mistake. My daughter, Briyanna, gave me the love that I thought I was looking for. However, I fortunately realized that I was looking for love from myself. Ya know, that's a VERY hard thing to do...love yourself. Sure, I thought I was a fun person to hang around with, I thought I was a relatively happy person, and I made friends very easily. But I still wasn't satisfied with who I was. No, I never did anything crazy like try to commit suicide or anything. But I had to take a long, hard look at myself and see that I AM worthy. God LOVES me, what else IS there to long for?
When Marque and I met, I almost pushed him away with my passiveness. I wanted everyone to be happy and I always thought it was my job to make sure they were...so what if I was miserable. I NEEDED to keep the peace! I don't like conflict and I don't like people to be mad at me or unhappy with me. Some things never change...I'm STILL that way. However, I have had to learn to stand up for myself. I've had to learn that everyone isn't gonna be happy all the time AND it's not my job to make sure they are. I have been so blessed with some absolutely amazing people in my life. And honestly, if it wasn't for those people, especially my husband, I wouldn't be where I am today. But I do remember the days when I was working, it would be review time...my boss, Joe, would ALWAYS get on me about not giving myself credit for what I did. I think to a huge extent that I'm still that way. I don't feel that I'm "worthy" or that I deserve things. To this day, I'm very hard on myself and have a hard time accepting that I "should" have the life I'm leading. In May of 2004, when I first became a full time stay at home mom, I was in a daze and terrified for MONTHS!!! I kept thinking that one day I'd wake up from this "dream" and have to go back to work :-). My life was and is almost too good to be true. My husband is an amazing man and has worked very hard for us to be where we are...especially for ME to be where I am. My goodness, I love him for that. HE is one of the things in my life that I don't think I deserve. And I often wonder why he loves me the way he does. I often wonder if I deserve that love.
Ok, that leads me then, to this question...who's to say what I deserve? Why do I have to "deserve" love, affection, attention and this life? I DESERVE it because God has made it so! Isn't that enough??? Today, I can say that my eyes are becoming a little more open to exactly what God's GRACE is. That's what I'm living in and enjoying everyday...God's GRACE!!! That alone should make me more accepting and approving of ME!!! I'm coming around though...I'm prayerfully trying to change my views of myself. I am trying to accept that it's ok that I have a wonderful husband who loves me...that it's ok to have beautiful kids...that it's ok that I live in a beautiful home...that it's ok to have a loving and supportive family...that it's ok to have friends that REALLY like me and enjoy my company...that it's ok for me to love ME & my creativeness!!! It's OK!
Wow, that sure sounded like a pity party, didn't it? Well, it wasn't. As I mentioned, this entire series of entries was therapy for me. Especially this particular entry. I knew about THIS one before the first one that I wrote. I planned for this one to be last. I knew I had to express those other things in my life before expressing how I feel about ME. Does that make sense?
In closing, I want to thank you ALL who have taken the time to read what I've written and for taking a glimpse into my life. The life I love so dearly. For all these gifts (my family, my extended family, my "other" extended family, my friends, my "things" and ME, Myself & I) I AM thankful!!! And I AM inspired.
Thank you again for your time.